Restoring The Heart (1 Viewer)

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One65

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This year (third year of awakening) the state of my heart has really come in to my awareness. Specifically, blockages in my heart area, and what I would describe as a shield around it. It is like I can bump up against the wall and I can feel/hear the words and feelings on the other side - but can't seem to penetrate. This is not something I was used to in my earlier years. I am an empath... and have spent a lifetime feeling deep pain over small things, crippling pain over larger things, and taking on the emotions and pain of others. At some point in my 20's it became less of a factor for me. I realize now that I had eventually built up a wall to protect myself. Now, as I am trying to unravel a lifetime of learning, behaviour, and "shields" - the time of reckoning is upon me.

I have been focusing on my heart often and asking it to release the blockages. The pain. The low vibrational emotions and memories. SAFELY I might add, and at a pace that is comfortable. I sure am glad I added that last line... Wow my friends, be careful what you ask for.

I visualized myself sitting in a beautiful stream of water. I pictured the low vibrational stuff seeping from my chest as a dark cloud, like ink dissipating in clear water . Flowing away from me in the stream. Sometimes it goes in large clouds, sometimes only a tiny bit at a time.

What I thought would happen: I thought that the energy would just dissipate. Flow away from me. My heart would feel lighter. I would feel more like myself. It would be easy and peaceful.

What really happened: *Intense* negative energy, emotions, and memories come to the wall. They pound on the gate like hell to get out. Sometimes almost violently. So powerful. So RAW. I sit with them as best I can and feel into it, then release them in whatever way feels appropriate. Sometimes they come back incredibly fiercely... Anger is relentless, and so powerful. And I can literally feel a lineup of "beasts" waiting to confront me. I could go on and on... the words seem inadequate. This has been coming out for a few months now, and I am seeing that it is just the tip of the iceberg - and it is daunting. It is another dark-night-of-the-soul, and it is really disorienting. My energies are so messed up. One day I am super-empathic, the next I am cold as a stone. My psychic abilities have suffered greatly; it is like they have moved to another area and I struggle to re-connect with them. Actually - let me correct that. I am hearing the messages of lower vibrational beings and aspects of myself *loud* and *clear*, and their messages are not very flattering or kind. Whew! It is intense!!!

It is clear to me that I am dealing with more than one lifetime here. It feels like the ultimate cleanse. I acknowledge and understand that I asked for this, and I know that this is a part of my journey. I also know the other side will be amazing... but right now it is a handful.

As my empathic "abilities" start to return, I am finding the real world exceedingly difficult again. Especially now (COVID-19 world lockdown). I pick up on the high emotions of people around me and the mass consciousness is something I really need to shield myself from. It is just way too much, and very difficult. I actually get nauseated. I believe that after a period of adjustment and if I concentrate on my own protection more often that will become easier. My "filters" when I speak are also falling away. It would be funny if it wasn't so unpredictable! The "inside voice" comes out often; it makes me realize how much we filter what we say to/about other people, and let me tell you this part of me needs healing. NOW.

I should add that from time to time, very pleasant memories come out. And they are so precious. I feel them much more cleanly and joyfully now. Unlike the "flat" feeling I used to have. Apparently both my upper and lower emotional range is being restored.

I have no idea how long this process will take. It is not pretty nor convenient. Wish me luck.



As I wrote this, it came out completely different than I planned. More detail than I intended, which usually means that I am writing for someone else. I hope that someone who needs it comes across it.
 

Linda

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Great thread. What do we keep and what do we let go, which changes all the time.

Had a thought as I read your account - do you think a lifetime of well-worn reactions are just as much as part of the intense energies pounding at the wall? Example - a situation arises that really has no emotional charge until we meet it and are pleased, pissed off, or neither.
 
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One65

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Yes Linda, absolutely. I like your term "well worn reactions". That's exactly right. Our personality reacts to situations a certain way due to social protocol or learned behaviour - but we may actually feel a different way underneath. One thing that has become painfully obvious is what happens when I suppress things that annoy me. That is the anger coming out at me now. It is really in my face. I am facing what likely started as small, but has become RAGE. It is staring me down and at times it scares the crap out of me. There is no going around it, stuffing it down, or ignoring it this time. I have to go through it; right down the middle.

P.S. Another thing that has come in to my awareness is what some call "integrating your shadow self". I have struggled with that for a while, and even struggled to understand what it really meant. When I wrote the first piece in this thread this morning, a light bulb went off in my head. What I am doing *IS* integrating the shadow side of me in this process. My way. The way I set it up for me. Not necessarily the way others do it.
 

Linda

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When I sit quietly with feelings / reactions, I've been amazed at how many stem from childhood. Just as you said above, it often is something that started out small but has grown and grown.

I read a story that sums this aspect up so well.

Two sisters and their new sister-in-law were preparing a big meal that included a roast. One of the sisters cut off the end and placed it in the roasting pan. The sister-in-law asked why she did that. The sisters looked at each other and had no real answer other than that was how mom did it. They called their mom and asked why she cut off the end of the roast. The reply - because she had a small roasting pan and the meat would not fit otherwise. Being children, they did not understand the why behind the action but continued to replicate it until someone asked why.
 
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Hailstones Melt

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Luck... enthused with a mental hug.

Your story reminds me of two things:

firstly, exactly how correct you are about being careful what you wish for. (By the way, that's why I appreciate the affirmations David Topi gives us, because they are very well thought out to cover all angles. When I see his level of dedication, I have trust.) A story I may have told before, but I'll re-tell: in 2011 I went into my temple room in my house like a spiritual warrior - feeling so ready - and in a real, live, vocal invocation asked the Universe to step it up - bring it on, I'm ready. Not the only time in my life I've done this. I thought I was ready, but you never can be. Because you don't know what levelling up means, until you do so. Well, I got washed over by a tsunami wave of change, but did pop out at the other end eventually.

Secondly, within the first 3 days of meeting my first husband, I knew that his heart was crystally-pure and I saw it as a blue diamond, encased by a very thick wall! I went on to experience what it was like to live with a person who had so perfectly walled off their heart energy, for 18 years! (He has built his wall unconsciously, even though he professed interest in spiritual matters, and we met in an ashram in India, his driver was curiosity. Not enough to lift him into a life-long search. I am not suggesting your wall is anything like his, his being like a bomb bunker. I am the empath in that relationship. But I did notice the correlation between his economic stinginess, and his stinginess in letting Love play out in his life).

One suggestion I have: see if you can access a copy of "The Chasm of Fire", by Irina Tweedie (A woman's experience of liberation through the teachings of a Sufi master). The ISBN is 0 906540 01 1, and it was first published in 1979 and as far as I know, re-printed a couple of times up to 1984, printed in Great Britain by Billings, Hylton Road, Worcester. I have needed to read this book twice in my journey, and have kept it for another possible reading when the going gets tough. On the preface page it says: "The Path of Love is like a bridge of hair across a chasm of fire".
 

Crystalspinner

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Thank you for sharing and talking so eloquently about the shields we build around our hearts and how difficult it is when we break them down again. For me the challenge is not to allow myself to be controlled and at the whim of my emotions whatever they are. To swing from being happy to sad, love to hatred and so on can be energetically exhausting in itelf. For many years now I strive to walk the line, the balance point between the light and the dark. To 'Be' in the center point of the whirlwind, where all is calm, yet around us is the maelstrom of our emotions that seek to define us. To honour the need for acceptance that we have incarnated here to experience the whole gambit of emotions, to acknowledge all parts of our selves. If we know not laughter how can we appreciate tears? If we know not hatred how can we appreciate love?

Our souls are each a Divine Spark of Source, we are all star dust. When our physical bodies, (which give us the illusion of separation) die, we return to the Oneness of the Divine.

Debs :)
 

therium

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As I wrote this, it came out completely different than I planned. More detail than I intended, which usually means that I am writing for someone else. I hope that someone who needs it comes across it.
Thank you for sharing. I went through very similar things. It started during college, letting all the negative energy and frustration out. I'm sure that made me an unbearable roommate. Sorry guys.

Yes, it was very painful coming out during that time. Then in Oct 2019 I had my first session with an intuitive healer. I didn't seek this out, the visions just came to me during the healing session. I wrote about this on this site earlier.

But the day before the healing session, I was driving with my sister and wife and the negative energy seemed to take on a personality of its own. It knew I was getting rid of it the next day. And it wanted to stay. It wanted to fight. It tried to make me fearful, I wouldn't let it. Then it tried to control my voice. I washed love over it. But the battle was fierce and I had to pull the car over and just started crying. This negative energy was mean and cruel, but childlike in a way. It used a lot of childlike insults that a 5yo might use, and some adult words as well.

So the next day I went to the healer. I told her what happened in the car. I told her this voice might be mean. She said not to worry. She is former Army and is pretty tough.

But the relevant part here is, when I started meditating with the healer, I saw the negative energy as black scabs inside my body and I had spirits helping to lift them out. Someone positive wanted to speak through me to help the healer, so I let them. Through me they told the healer what to do: put a sheet of positive glowing energy under the scabs to loosen and lift them. She did it. The ethereal scabs started lifting away and the positive love energy started flowing through me. As the scabs got away from my body they dissolved and some started to convert to positive silver sparkles. The love that flowed only hurt because I hadn't felt it in so long. But I was crying and I was ecstatic.

Near this point I started hyperventilating and the healer asked my sister (there at the time, helping with energy work) to control the positive energy flow. She went to my head and just felt energy spraying out of the top of my head like a high power hose. She had never felt anything like it.

It was an intense but wonderful experience. I saw beings I never thought would come to me. They all volunteered to help... just because they love me that much.

I was dealing with at least 3 lifetimes of similar pain I never let go of, this lifetime and 2 past ones (speaking linearly). All the spirits, no matter what you call them, want us to feel this love, but sometimes we put up our own barriers. That is a result of free will. And I was trying to bring down those barriers.

So I'm a work in progress. I hope to see the healer again but she is a plane ride away. :) I have not yet found the proper healer near me yet.
 
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Hailstones Melt

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Thank you for sharing and talking so eloquently about the shields we build around our hearts and how difficult it is when we break them down again. For me the challenge is not to allow myself to be controlled and at the whim of my emotions whatever they are. To swing from being happy to sad, love to hatred and so on can be energetically exhausting in itelf. For many years now I strive to walk the line, the balance point between the light and the dark. To 'Be' in the center point of the whirlwind, where all is calm, yet around us is the maelstrom of our emotions that seek to define us. To honour the need for acceptance that we have incarnated here to experience the whole gambit of emotions, to acknowledge all parts of our selves. If we know not laughter how can we appreciate tears? If we know not hatred how can we appreciate love?

Our souls are each a Divine Spark of Source, we are all star dust. When our physical bodies, (which give us the illusion of separation) die, we return to the Oneness of the Divine.

Debs :)
This is why I like poetry. It helps me to walk the line. (Thank you for this expression!)
 

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