This year (third year of awakening) the state of my heart has really come in to my awareness. Specifically, blockages in my heart area, and what I would describe as a shield around it. It is like I can bump up against the wall and I can feel/hear the words and feelings on the other side - but can't seem to penetrate. This is not something I was used to in my earlier years. I am an empath... and have spent a lifetime feeling deep pain over small things, crippling pain over larger things, and taking on the emotions and pain of others. At some point in my 20's it became less of a factor for me. I realize now that I had eventually built up a wall to protect myself. Now, as I am trying to unravel a lifetime of learning, behaviour, and "shields" - the time of reckoning is upon me.
I have been focusing on my heart often and asking it to release the blockages. The pain. The low vibrational emotions and memories. SAFELY I might add, and at a pace that is comfortable. I sure am glad I added that last line... Wow my friends, be careful what you ask for.
I visualized myself sitting in a beautiful stream of water. I pictured the low vibrational stuff seeping from my chest as a dark cloud, like ink dissipating in clear water . Flowing away from me in the stream. Sometimes it goes in large clouds, sometimes only a tiny bit at a time.
What I thought would happen: I thought that the energy would just dissipate. Flow away from me. My heart would feel lighter. I would feel more like myself. It would be easy and peaceful.
What really happened: *Intense* negative energy, emotions, and memories come to the wall. They pound on the gate like hell to get out. Sometimes almost violently. So powerful. So RAW. I sit with them as best I can and feel into it, then release them in whatever way feels appropriate. Sometimes they come back incredibly fiercely... Anger is relentless, and so powerful. And I can literally feel a lineup of "beasts" waiting to confront me. I could go on and on... the words seem inadequate. This has been coming out for a few months now, and I am seeing that it is just the tip of the iceberg - and it is daunting. It is another dark-night-of-the-soul, and it is really disorienting. My energies are so messed up. One day I am super-empathic, the next I am cold as a stone. My psychic abilities have suffered greatly; it is like they have moved to another area and I struggle to re-connect with them. Actually - let me correct that. I am hearing the messages of lower vibrational beings and aspects of myself *loud* and *clear*, and their messages are not very flattering or kind. Whew! It is intense!!!
It is clear to me that I am dealing with more than one lifetime here. It feels like the ultimate cleanse. I acknowledge and understand that I asked for this, and I know that this is a part of my journey. I also know the other side will be amazing... but right now it is a handful.
As my empathic "abilities" start to return, I am finding the real world exceedingly difficult again. Especially now (COVID-19 world lockdown). I pick up on the high emotions of people around me and the mass consciousness is something I really need to shield myself from. It is just way too much, and very difficult. I actually get nauseated. I believe that after a period of adjustment and if I concentrate on my own protection more often that will become easier. My "filters" when I speak are also falling away. It would be funny if it wasn't so unpredictable! The "inside voice" comes out often; it makes me realize how much we filter what we say to/about other people, and let me tell you this part of me needs healing. NOW.
I should add that from time to time, very pleasant memories come out. And they are so precious. I feel them much more cleanly and joyfully now. Unlike the "flat" feeling I used to have. Apparently both my upper and lower emotional range is being restored.
I have no idea how long this process will take. It is not pretty nor convenient. Wish me luck.
As I wrote this, it came out completely different than I planned. More detail than I intended, which usually means that I am writing for someone else. I hope that someone who needs it comes across it.
I have been focusing on my heart often and asking it to release the blockages. The pain. The low vibrational emotions and memories. SAFELY I might add, and at a pace that is comfortable. I sure am glad I added that last line... Wow my friends, be careful what you ask for.
I visualized myself sitting in a beautiful stream of water. I pictured the low vibrational stuff seeping from my chest as a dark cloud, like ink dissipating in clear water . Flowing away from me in the stream. Sometimes it goes in large clouds, sometimes only a tiny bit at a time.
What I thought would happen: I thought that the energy would just dissipate. Flow away from me. My heart would feel lighter. I would feel more like myself. It would be easy and peaceful.
What really happened: *Intense* negative energy, emotions, and memories come to the wall. They pound on the gate like hell to get out. Sometimes almost violently. So powerful. So RAW. I sit with them as best I can and feel into it, then release them in whatever way feels appropriate. Sometimes they come back incredibly fiercely... Anger is relentless, and so powerful. And I can literally feel a lineup of "beasts" waiting to confront me. I could go on and on... the words seem inadequate. This has been coming out for a few months now, and I am seeing that it is just the tip of the iceberg - and it is daunting. It is another dark-night-of-the-soul, and it is really disorienting. My energies are so messed up. One day I am super-empathic, the next I am cold as a stone. My psychic abilities have suffered greatly; it is like they have moved to another area and I struggle to re-connect with them. Actually - let me correct that. I am hearing the messages of lower vibrational beings and aspects of myself *loud* and *clear*, and their messages are not very flattering or kind. Whew! It is intense!!!
It is clear to me that I am dealing with more than one lifetime here. It feels like the ultimate cleanse. I acknowledge and understand that I asked for this, and I know that this is a part of my journey. I also know the other side will be amazing... but right now it is a handful.
As my empathic "abilities" start to return, I am finding the real world exceedingly difficult again. Especially now (COVID-19 world lockdown). I pick up on the high emotions of people around me and the mass consciousness is something I really need to shield myself from. It is just way too much, and very difficult. I actually get nauseated. I believe that after a period of adjustment and if I concentrate on my own protection more often that will become easier. My "filters" when I speak are also falling away. It would be funny if it wasn't so unpredictable! The "inside voice" comes out often; it makes me realize how much we filter what we say to/about other people, and let me tell you this part of me needs healing. NOW.
I should add that from time to time, very pleasant memories come out. And they are so precious. I feel them much more cleanly and joyfully now. Unlike the "flat" feeling I used to have. Apparently both my upper and lower emotional range is being restored.
I have no idea how long this process will take. It is not pretty nor convenient. Wish me luck.
As I wrote this, it came out completely different than I planned. More detail than I intended, which usually means that I am writing for someone else. I hope that someone who needs it comes across it.