My experience of parenthood is it's confronting (1 Viewer)

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Hailstones Melt

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Through a series of dilemmas, faulty judgement, unconscious behaviour, negative criticism, the awakening journey creating a disconnect in a marriage, lack of family support due to misplaced desire to live where we pleased (because of globalisation and ease of travel), hedonism, selfish focus, greed, and plain ignorance in having a child at a late age, I am afraid the ground plan my daughter's father and I laid for her take-off in life did not turn out as expected.

The consequences went far deeper than I could ever have imagined...

She suffered pedophilia by both father and stepfather, anorexia starting at about age 9, this mental illness morphing into deeply disturbing anxiety disorder, dropping out of school 2 years before graduation, unable to get out of bed for days at a time, migraines, lack of will for life, lack of direction, refusal to live within normal parameters, refusal to put any effort into life, and insistence on calling herself dumb, and a couple of episodes of self-harm. Yet I know she has a highly developed psychic ability, the best intuition in anyone I have ever met - infallibly right - plus an ability to heal others spontaneously, a high IQ, strategic thinking, and the looks of a model. She has passed through months and even years of external advisers (pill pushing psychiatrists, counsellors, dieticians) and she has come to have a disdain for them all.

I had to look at where I didn't set strict enough boundaries, about where I led her as a young child into danger because of my penchant for "spiritual" men and allowing 2 of them into my life in marriage. Throughout the life we have led since then, where I now care for her as an unemployed single mother in my late 50's and she very dependent on me like a young child, I have had to really accept the fact that I have a child with a mental illness. That this is all engulfing and time-consuming and is an out of control roller-coaster ride.

We have resisted taking any psychiatric medication, which has chilling zombie side effects. To this day I am pleased we stood our ground and she has fought her way through everything with just her strength of will, backed up by me.

I have just spent half an hour perusing her Facebook, she recently trusted me enough to give me this favour, of course on the proviso I don't make comments, even if I see things I don't agree with. I take up those issues with her, such as changing her profile picture. She did change it, though the new one is just as provocative. I have plenty of talks with her, but I have realised she just picks up what suits her, and she mind-filters out all the rest. She really is hell-bent on making her own mistakes, even in disastrous ways.

2 nights ago she attended a mid-week teen party in our local area. I drove her and 2 friends to this party, and also collected her again when called (10:30pm). The schools and TAFE are on term leave, so at least one party was a given. However, cops were called by neighbours to this party, and a mob of about 100 teenagers left the party (I saw them as I approached to collect mine) and caused havoc throughout the suburb right up until they reached the railway station. This was broadcast on 2 national television stations. The issue was under-age drinking. My daughter didn't drink, her one friend who did was 18 (over age), and I collected them well before midnight. However, where were the parents of the other 100 who mobbed the suburb?

In order to have a child to still bring up, by which I mean she has not attempted suicide (quite a few of her age-group have) I have needed to prioritise the care-giving, downsize houses twice, and live hand-to-mouth on benefits. However, in the midst of all this, awakening and higher life still unfolds, everything feels like it was meant, and we are coming up over the crest of the hill. We are going to make it!

Although we have been through the obvious cesspit of divorce (lawyers, property and child matters), I can still have a convivial conversation with her father, and although my daughter had her own negative experiences in that camp, she can still phone him and see him for short periods of time.

I have never negated my spiritual experiences which have been life-long, and are what I primarily identify with. But the decision to have child late in life (hitting 40) was perhaps an under-baked idea, and certainly not well-researched. I love her dearly, but she has been my most poignant lesson to date.
 

Archetypal Dreamer

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Aug 27, 2016
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I am truly saddened to hear your struggles, but I like that you remain positive and say that you are going to make it. For what it's worth, I sincerely hope that you do. I also like that you quite obviously have a great deal of self-awareness, which is indicative of higher intelligence. If my own mother had even a modicum of your ability to self-reflect, my life (and the lives of those around me) would be a lot easier right now. Kudos to you.

My own daughters are 2.5 years and 6 months, so I suppose I have all of this to come. I am (just!) 31, but my wife is 42. In other words, she's also done the 'late mother' thing. She finds it draining at times, especially as she's also a career woman. Getting the balance right can be incredibly difficult at times, but we strive to put our kids first every time. As one must.

It is our hope that we can raise our daughters and support them in becoming the best versions of themselves. We plan to expose them to as much as possible (in terms of hobbies, travel, etc.) and let them make their own minds up. They already have a leg-up in that arena as their mother is Spanish and thus they are being brought up bilingual. In Summer, the 2.5 year old goes to Spain and attends nursery there. Her 'Spanglish' is coming on wonderfully :p

Of course, in theory all of this is so easy. I suspect (and expect) reality to be far more difficult.

Best to you and your daughter. I hope you reach the apex of that hill soon :)
 
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Hailstones Melt

Hailstones Melt

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Thank you. It's a day by day event. It has forced me to live in the Now. I really can't see what is coming next.
Spanglish will be very helpful and when the other language comes from their mother they learn it very easily when young. Having the chance to see Spain for real will give your daughter a fantastic grasp on her other roots.
 
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Golmona

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Aug 2, 2016
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Thank you so much for sharing your story Hailstones Melt. It breaks my heart to read about your struggles but I am also amazed at your strength and your ability to reflect on your choices in relation to your daughter. It feels as though you have truly accepted your situation and have taken full responsibility of your life.

But the decision to have child late in life (hitting 40) was perhaps an under-baked idea, and certainly not well-researched.
I've always had this feeling that my dad to some extend regretted his decisions when it comes to his family. He on the other hand was very young when he started (21 years) so I think he saw us literally as a ball & chain. But where you seem to accept your situation and try to make the best out of it, he resisted. I think it was his resistance and resentment that created so much struggle and internal conflict within him.

Now that I am a mother myself I'm becoming more aware of what parenthood entails and I know it is going to be the biggest life lesson I will ever experience. I also feel it's going to be a process in which I heal many old childhood wounds in relation to my parents. Practising Ho'oponopono seems to give me quite a relief lately. Whenever something comes up I go through the four steps and I notice a immediate release. It may be helpful to you: http://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/practice-hooponopono-four-simple-steps/

Good luck on your journey <3
 

Lila

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Well, Hailstones Melt, this may explain the wisdom inherent in your comments in this forum. Having lived through so much with such grace and brought your beautiful daughter along for the ride, I guess you have earned every bit of it.
My hat is off to you <3
 

Angela

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My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine such a difficult life to surrender yourself to and spiritually evolve from as well as you seem to be managing.

I actually never wanted children. A point of contention with family members but they at least let me be. Then when i was 25 or 26, i suddenly got bit with the "baby bug" and it seemed right. In meditation i met the spirit of my son, (along with other spirit guides that presumably help me through motherhood), and my husband had a mild vision in meditation that he saw Felix's (our son) spirit chose me as a mother before my husband and i even started dating.
So in all manner of speaking, it felt right and whatever, but i have to say, i truly on my deepest level don't feel like a mother and often feel like this isn't me nor where i should be right now. Like i never should've become a mother. Despite obvious and contrary spiritual understanding of it all being perfect. But I'm really having a hard time with it, every step of the way.

Circumstances though, i mean, you have to do the best you can. (As you are doing. ) i got excruciatingly sick postpartum, both physically and mentally and spent my days in complete hope of death. I will admit that I'm so afraid of all the things that I've done and am doing that could potentially bring about future issues. We have to just put them aside and recognize we are here now. What are we doing now.

I rest a lot in the ability of our minds and what i can send him energetically, even if i completely tank and burn, so to speak. Heh

Love and light to you and your situation.
 

Lila

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We have to just put them aside and recognize we are here now. What are we doing now."QUOTE]

It often seems to me that parenting is all about the clarity of learning that we can only do our best, warts and all... whatever the size and stink of those warts.
In fact, on those (literally) stinky days when my belly gets upset and I'm good for nothing much except pointing out what 'needs to be done' and wishing I could contribute, we do often now have a good laugh at it all. What else can you frigging do?!?, lol!
... and I guess that's what is meant by compassion to oneself. Kids do teach you that when you have that, you have something you can share, and that is good learning for us all.
Oh, Sh--, I'm making myself cry:bag and laugh :-))
 
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Lila

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We have to just put them aside and recognize we are here now. What are we doing now.
...Am trying this message again...

It often seems to me that parenting is all about the clarity of learning that we can only do our best, warts and all... whatever the size and stink of those warts.
In fact, on those (literally) stinky days when my belly gets upset and I'm good for nothing much except pointing out what 'needs to be done' and wishing I could contribute, we do often now have a good laugh at it all. What else can you frigging do?!?, lol!
... and I guess that's what is meant by compassion to oneself. Kids do teach you that when you have that, you have something you can share, and that is good learning for us all.
Oh, Sh--, I'm making myself cry:bag and laugh :-))
 

Stargazer

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Of all those who try to help and love us, we do the worst job of it, don't we? Helping and loving ourselves, that is. And that's exactly why "other selves" are here! So somebody is there to pick up that slack--until we can do it for ourselves.

:) <3 <3 <3
 
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Hailstones Melt

Hailstones Melt

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Well, hats off to you. In my early life I was also very definite about not wanting to be a mother, and I think my life course held those two options. In the end I took it on willingly and even joyfully, but there were a couple of things with that I needed to look at. One was I don't need to try as hard. I get red in the face and almost bust my gut (high blood pressure/pistons working too hard?) to do what other parents seem to do as if it was a warm day wearing a sunhat. The other one, was that it was the actual trigger for the downgrade and eventual breakage of my first marriage. That needed to happen, so it wasn't a bad thing, but knowing he had interfered with our daughter at a very young age has been a heavy burden to shoulder.

I have also learned from his non-acceptance of his own culpability and not taking responsibility or apologizing for his actions, that I don't need to be the judge of anyone else. Surely that judgement will come on his own transition, and the one doing the judging will be his own good self.
 

Pod

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I have never negated my spiritual experiences which have been life-long, and are what I primarily identify with

Your daughter is a gift Melt........I suspect your boundless patience, spiritual understanding and love have come about through finding the best way to care for her. Good for you. And I love that you are so honest and can share it here.

My daughter and I parted company in 1995 and we are both fine with it. I am connected to her on a spiritual level but physically we do not relate at all. We agreed in that she said "she could not live with someone who slept with rocks" (me and my crystals) and I did not want to live with someone who could spend two hours plucking her eyebrows. I was not a good mother......I did not have the mothering skills because of the abuse I had suffered. I do not think my daughter will have children. I was shown once that my daughter and my mother are both fragments of the same soul. Not too sure where I fit in with it all.

I went through years of guilt and sorrow about it all until I sought a different reality. I love the wise words of Kahlil Gibran:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
 

June

Elder Entity
Aug 3, 2016
1,699
5,074
Through a series of dilemmas, faulty judgement, unconscious behaviour, negative criticism, the awakening journey creating a disconnect in a marriage, lack of family support due to misplaced desire to live where we pleased (because of globalisation and ease of travel), hedonism, selfish focus, greed, and plain ignorance in having a child at a late age, I am afraid the ground plan my daughter's father and I laid for her take-off in life did not turn out as expected.

The consequences went far deeper than I could ever have imagined...

She suffered pedophilia by both father and stepfather, anorexia starting at about age 9, this mental illness morphing into deeply distuOh Melt what a heartrending story, ai think you are an incredible person. Sending love and many blessingsrbing anxiety disorder, dropping out of school 2 years before graduation, unable to get out of bed for days at a time, migraines, lack of will for life, lack of direction, refusal to live within normal parameters, refusal to put any effort into life, and insistence on calling herself dumb, and a couple of episodes of self-harm. Yet I know she has a highly developed psychic ability, the best intuition in anyone I have ever met - infallibly right - plus an ability to heal others spontaneously, a high IQ, strategic thinking, and the looks of a model. She has passed through months and even years of external advisers (pill pushing psychiatrists, counsellors, dieticians) and she has come to have a disdain for them all.

I had to look at where I didn't set strict enough boundaries, about where I led her as a young child into danger because of my penchant for "spiritual" men and allowing 2 of them into my life in marriage. Throughout the life we have led since then, where I now care for her as an unemployed single mother in my late 50's and she very dependent on me like a young child, I have had to really accept the fact that I have a child with a mental illness. That this is all engulfing and time-consuming and is an out of control roller-coaster ride.

We have resisted taking any psychiatric medication, which has chilling zombie side effects. To this day I am pleased we stood our ground and she has fought her way through everything with just her strength of will, backed up by me.

I have just spent half an hour perusing her Facebook, she recently trusted me enough to give me this favour, of course on the proviso I don't make comments, even if I see things I don't agree with. I take up those issues with her, such as changing her profile picture. She did change it, though the new one is just as provocative. I have plenty of talks with her, but I have realised she just picks up what suits her, and she mind-filters out all the rest. She really is hell-bent on making her own mistakes, even in disastrous ways.

2 nights ago she attended a mid-week teen party in our local area. I drove her and 2 friends to this party, and also collected her again when called (10:30pm). The schools and TAFE are on term leave, so at least one party was a given. However, cops were called by neighbours to this party, and a mob of about 100 teenagers left the party (I saw them as I approached to collect mine) and caused havoc throughout the suburb right up until they reached the railway station. This was broadcast on 2 national television stations. The issue was under-age drinking. My daughter didn't drink, her one friend who did was 18 (over age), and I collected them well before midnight. However, where were the parents of the other 100 who mobbed the suburb?

In order to have a child to still bring up, by which I mean she has not attempted suicide (quite a few of her age-group have) I have needed to prioritise the care-giving, downsize houses twice, and live hand-to-mouth on benefits. However, in the midst of all this, awakening and higher life still unfolds, everything feels like it was meant, and we are coming up over the crest of the hill. We are going to make it!

Although we have been through the obvious cesspit of divorce (lawyers, property and child matters), I can still have a convivial conversation with her father, and although my daughter had her own negative experiences in that camp, she can still phone him and see him for short periods of time.

I have never negated my spiritual experiences which have been life-long, and are what I primarily identify with. But the decision to have child late in life (hitting 40) was perhaps an under-baked idea, and certainly not well-researched. I love her dearly, but she has been my most poignant lesson to date.
 

June

Elder Entity
Aug 3, 2016
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Having another go Melt, not sure what happened to the last one. Just read about you and your daughter, it brought tears. I think you are an incredible person Melt. Sending much love, blessings and healing to you both<3
 
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June

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Aug 3, 2016
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Your daughter is a gift Melt........I suspect your boundless patience, spiritual understanding and love have come about through finding the best way to care for her. Good for you. And I love that you are so honest and can share it here.

My daughter and I parted company in 1995 and we are both fine with it. I am connected to her on a spiritual level but physically we do not relate at all. We agreed in that she said "she could not live with someone who slept with rocks" (me and my crystals) and I did not want to live with someone who could spend two hours plucking her eyebrows. I was not a good mother......I did not have the mothering skills because of the abuse I had suffered. I do not think my daughter will have children. I was shown once that my daughter and my mother are both fragments of the same soul. Not too sure where I fit in with it all.

I went through years of guilt and sorrow about it all until I sought a different reality. I love the wise words of Kahlil Gibran:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
 

June

Elder Entity
Aug 3, 2016
1,699
5,074
Pod, So sorry that you are separated from your daughter, its heartbreaking, life is not easy is it. I'm hoping we will one day be able to live together in unity and the higher frequency of love. Sending you lots of love old darling. <3
 

Stargazer

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That's one of my dad's favorite writings. It's a beautiful piece!

I'm glad that the two of you are OK with your parting of ways. While it may feel disappointing that things didn't work out differently at the time, there are no doubt "larger learnings" afoot--important lessons or experiences for both of you that could not be learned or experienced otherwise.

Pod, I really hope you don't feel that you weren't a good mother. All parents make mistakes--and the parental standards that society seems to set for us are quite often unrealistic given the "fog of war" that enshrouds the emotional battlefields of modern life. I'm certain you did the very best you could under very difficult circumstances. If life has taught me anything, it's that all our experiences have meaning that extends far beyond their outward experiences--and that the things we consider to be mistakes or missteps are nearly always springboards to greater understanding.

I have absolutely no doubt that you and your daughter will one day be reunited and share the kind of relationship that I know you both must yearn for. Whether that occurs sooner or later will be up to the two of you of course, but what is time but an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow in the interim?

"“No human relation gives one possession in another—every two souls are absolutely different.
In friendship or in love, the two side by side raise hands together to find what one cannot reach alone.” Kahlil Gibran

You are both loved beyond measure.

<3 <3 <3
 

Pod

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Pod, So sorry that you are separated from your daughter, its heartbreaking, life is not easy is it. I'm hoping we will one day be able to live together in unity and the higher frequency of love. Sending you lots of love old darling. <3
I am fine about it now June, you sweet thing. It is as it is and I have total acceptance of it. If she ever needed me of course I would be there for her, but she doesn't.
 
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Pod

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Pod, I really hope you don't feel that you weren't a good mother.
#
I know what a good mother is, I know what it feels like to be a good mother because a couple of years after we parted I looked after an eight year old boy for four years. I was a good mother figure to him. But I was not good to my daughter. However, I was the perfect mother for the experiences that her soul required.

The other point is that I had a walk in experience and my daughter told me that she did not think I was her mother.
 
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Stargazer

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#
I know what a good mother is, I know what it feels like to be a good mother because a couple of years after we parted I looked after an eight year old boy for four years. I was a good mother figure to him. But I was not good to my daughter. However, I was the perfect mother for the experiences that her soul required.

The other point is that I had a walk in experience and my daughter told me that she did not think I was her mother.
And here's the very best quote of the day..."I was the perfect mother for the experiences that her soul required." One day she'll most certainly appreciate it...and I'm so glad you can see it too. <:)

It's so interesting that you had a walk in experience! I've read a bit about them but never knew anyone who was conscious of their own.

And all metaphysical or psychological discussion aside, I know a LOT of kids who tell their parents, "You're NOT my mom/dad!" o_O

In fact, I think I may have uttered the same thing a time or two myself, way back when...

:) :-D :ROFL:
 
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Pod

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And here's the very best quote of the day..."I was the perfect mother for the experiences that her soul required." One day she'll most certainly appreciate it...and I'm so glad you can see it too. <:)

It's so interesting that you had a walk in experience! I've read a bit about them but never knew anyone who was conscious of their own.

And all metaphysical or psychological discussion aside, I know a LOT of kids who tell their parents, "You're NOT my mom/dad!" o_O

In fact, I think I may have uttered the same thing a time or two myself, way back when...

:) :-D :ROFL:
Thank you for recognising that!
 
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