This makes sense to me; I really do live in my head and often feel "frozen" out from feelings. I used to smoke cannabis occasionally which helped with this, but lately I haven't liked the experience and I always end up overeating and gaining weight anyway.
Here is an anecdote about trying to see the blessings in everything that happens to you, which I think most successful people have as a personality trait they've acquired over time. Recently my iPod's hard drive got toasted, and I was bummed out because I have a dull repetitive job, and it was my educational tool to "sharpen the saw" so to speak. However, in searching for an alternative, I finally discovered I could take this amazon fire tablet my brother had handed down to me months ago and I had done nothing with, hook it up with the wifi at my job, and listen to stuff directly off of youtube, instead of having to convert them to mp3 files as I used to do with the iPod.
I was listening to quite a few Wayne Dyer lectures/audiobooks off of youtube at work this week, after accidentally finding his reading of the Tao Te Ching, which I enjoyed very much in the midst of all this political craziness going on this past week, and he seems to think forgiveness plays a key role in getting grounded in the Now. He told a story about standing on his (highly dysfunctional) father's grave and forgiving him, and how his writing began to take off after that; he was working on Your Erogenous Zones book at the time. It kind of made me wonder if I should seek out my father's grave and try the same thing; I don't think it is very far from here.
i learned from my dad since teenager age that his erros should not be mine, so i have a strong revolution against bear and cigarettes but well now i am able to forgive him for his errors as the focus is higher, a few years back i won t have been possible to that stage, but i still have no contact which is good as that can generate far more chaos in my life, the right things at the right momentIMHO, you most certainly have not failed. There is no "pass" or "fail" in life (as controlling religions always tell us). There is only learning and experience. I would guess that you have certainly LEARNED a great deal from your dad, as I did. The important thing is what you DO with that learning. Do you simply shrug your shoulders and say something like, "it is what it is, just accept me as I am" (as my mom always used to do)? Or do you use that knowledge to help CHANGE YOURSELF into a better person than you might otherwise have been?
I had similar experiences with my dad. I went from a trusting, loving little boy, rushing to meet him when he came home from work to a frightened teenager, "walking on eggshells" and always waiting for an explosive reaction whenever I did any little thing incorrectly or wrong. As spiritually "wise" as he was about life, death, and the after-life (and for his sharing of which I'll always be grateful), he never seemed to be able to master his own emotions or improve his own life or family situations. I managed to see the difference between my own dysfunctional family and others--and somehow managed to create something far, FAR better for my own family.
As difficult as it was at the time, some 40 years later (and after raising a son of my own), I now realize he was simply doing the best he could. I also look at his upbringing and experiences and wonder how well (or not) I might have done if I had faced similar circumstances. I guess that's the old, "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins before judging them" idea. Even if one can't find forgiveness, sometimes it's enough to find gratitude. For without the experiences we've had, we wouldn't be the people we are today.
Where YOUR future is concerned, always remember that YOU are the master of your own journey. We've always been told (or at least I often was) that genetics and our upbringing determine our future and they're inescapable. I now call "BULLSHIT!" Even with those limitations have their limitations. WE ALWAYS HAVE CHOICE.
The fact that you're here and even considering other ideas shows me that you've learned--and are learning from these experiences. And to me, that's more than half the battle!
Keep at it, my friend. You're doing just fine!
One day, your father will feel your love, I hope, before he dies. Don't leave it too long! I feel that perhaps you let it hang like this because of fear of being judged. But nobody's judgement can hurt you, and love can overcome all.i learned from my dad since teenager age that his erros should not be mine, so i have a strong revolution against bear and cigarettes but well now i am able to forgive him for his errors as the focus is higher, a few years back i won t have been possible to that stage, but i still have no contact which is good as that can generate far more chaos in my life, the right things at the right moment