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Disharmony with Parents

Gunther

Aware Presence
#1
Some years back I came across an interesting concept during my research escapades

It was said, that most (not all) people that are walking a spiritual path, irrespective of belief system, will have either one, or both parents being EXTREMELY! challenging to be with.
This has been so true in my life, where one parent has been exceptionally difficult to be with, we fought like cat and dog most of our lives, only in recent years have we mellowed, and it’s in large part because I’ve begun to see the larger picture. It’s all very well knowing about spiritual concepts, but if one is not able to apply those to everyday life, they’re pretty much meaningless.

So, having read this interesting bit of info, I started to pay attention to what other people were experiencing, and lo and behold, all the peeps that I consider walking a spiritual path, have experienced exactly that. Even folks on this forum.

Have you had a challenging parent in your life?
 

Linda

Sweetheart of the Rodeo
Staff member
Global Moderator
Administrator
Board Moderator
#2
My parents and father's grandparents were accepting of my "differences", and I did not know everyone was not like me until I was much older. However, my mother certainly was "challenging", which never changed. So, I learned to take care of myself and recognize those I could trust, as well as those I could not.
 

Stargazer

Realized Sentience
Retired Moderator
#3
Both my parents were extremely challenging, but now that I've been able to "expand my vision" a bit, I'm extremely grateful to have had my experiences with them. They did their best under some challenging circumstances of their own and I learned a great deal from them. I wouldn't have learned half the important lessons I did if they had been the "perfect" parents I always pined for or envied of others growing up.
 

Hailstones Melt

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Board Moderator
#4
It's such an interesting web we weave, in writing our karmic scripts, and then having them play out, but sometimes, because of free will, we scoot right past an event or item that was supposed to be a trigger point, and sometimes we take the high road instead of the low road, and have a much longer, but more beautiful, journey. It reminds me that the goal is not everything, but the journey itself.

When I say I had a challenging mother, you have to understand that that perception was based on my first 16 years of life, i.e. what I thought was challenging at that time. Rightly based on some pretty challenging deeds and experiences, for sure, but could I stand far enough back from myself at that age to get a view of the challenge I was presenting to them?

Me: refusing to eat lettuce. Her: making me eat it off the floor after I'd thrown it there.
Me: refusing to eat (name the food). Her: making me eat my meal out on the back doorstep where the dog bowl was kept.
Me: refusing to go on a planned week's holiday, because I wanted to save my pet dog (who was a pound jobbie, meaning saved from the jaws of the pound, and I thought she deserved to live). Her: Taking the dog down to get her euthanased so we could go on holiday.
Me: stealing food out of biscuit tins, etc, all my life, but being incensed when I was accused of eating the whole of my sister's birthday cake, even the candles. (The munched candles were later found in that dog's kennel, months later).
Me: Fighting for my rights. Her: taking me out of the amateur dramatics version of Sound of Music, in which I had a part, right before opening night.
Me: Refusing to wear woollen singlet (scratchy), best dress, stockings with suspender belt, hat and gloves to the cinema when I was about 5. Her: making everyone miss out on the cinema because of my behaviour.
Me: Refusing to wear any of the new clothes she bought me until I was about 8 years of age. Her: Not buying me any new clothes until I was age 16 and I could buy them for myself. I had to live on the hand-me-downs of my older sister.
Me: earning the princely sum of $45 a week at age 16. Her: going through my bank book with a magnifying glass to see if I was spending any of my money on marijuana.
Me: Screaming and shouting that I had been raped (uncalled for dramatics, and not true), and jumping out the window. Her and my father: hosing down my room, wardrobe, carpet, bed and everything in my room with the garden hose, which caused my said reaction (and caused me to leave my family home the next night, never to reside there again).
Me: Spending all day cooking a vegetarian meal including baking fresh bread in the oven, when my Mum and Dad would visit me for a meal for the first time, years after I had left home. Her: bringing a complete cooked meal including roast chicken and bread rolls, salad, and leaving nothing to chance.

And the list could go on.

My mum has passed on now. I found as I lived longer that I am extremely like her. Down to very small details. I even have the same disease, unfortunately given to me in the DNA. I continued to visit my parents, even from interstate, and tried to connect and spend time with my mother, although it was well known we would have an argument within 2 hours of my entering their home. Her parting words to me before she died were that she didn't like my choice of 2nd husband (and time proved her right!)

Only through being a mother myself, and living through years of mental instability in my daughter, have allowed me to see things more from my mother's perspective. And then, after her death, in light of what my daughter was going through, my father told me that my mother had fought mental instability all her life, and that she had been to a psychiatrist for many years as a young teenager. I knew she had been a hypochondriac, but I hadn't realised her mental health was actually challenged. Then I found out that my daughter's other grandmother also has mental instability - so my daughter has received a double-whammy from both sides of the family tree, proving to be a challenge to her, but one I believe she will overcome and flourish.
 

Hailstones Melt

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Board Moderator
#5
One thing I did over my life time to cement better relations with my parents and siblings was to make home-made gifts at Christmas, but then, I dropped the idea of Christmas and just gave the presents whenever I felt the urge to give. Such things as a tie-dyed fabric art, with embroidery; a scarf using raw spun wool, and a shawl in her colours with beads on the fringing. Gaping holes may be torn in the fabric of relationship, but they can always be stitched up again.
 
OP
OP
Gunther

Gunther

Aware Presence
#6
Must agree SG. I’m also very grateful for the experiences, it’s made me who I am today.
Imv it’s unfortunate, but very true, that we learn the quickest through what appears to be hardship and suffering. In an ideal society, where only love, kindness, gentleness, etc. reigns, one will also learn and progress, but so much slower than in the harsh world we live in. It’s most likely why we came to school “Earth”, it’s the toughest one there is.
 
OP
OP
Gunther

Gunther

Aware Presence
#7
Thank you for your heart felt reply HM. I can certainly empathize with you. At age 5, I was told to pack my bags, leave and never come back. That never happened of course, but it took forever to get over the trauma that caused.
 

GregH3000

Illusion Investigator
#8
I think I failed on my spiritual journey if what you say is true; I just could never forgive my dad for being so psychologically cruel to me so many times. When he got dementia and regressed into a child-like personality who would only eat chicken nuggets and ice cream, I figured he was getting his just punishment for fucking up my life so much by destroying my self confidence by my having to live in constant fear of his temper tantrums. My mom may have even gotten into a fatal car accident to commit auto-suicide just so she didn't have to take care of him anymore. After she died, my younger brother had to get him into a home, and he wondered around the halls like a ghost and died about six weeks later from sepsis.

I still struggle with the memories of my childhood, and I fear that I will end like my dad, regressing into a ghost-shadow of who I once was. I moved here to TX five years ago because of financial instability (moved in with a brother) and never really made any new friends; took up the piano this year to have at least some kind of goal to keep focused on. Sometimes I just feel like I'm waiting to die so I can get on with the next life, but most of the time I'm fascinated by what is going on with humanity's evolution at this particular time and that keeps me curious and seeking the truth
 

Stargazer

Realized Sentience
Retired Moderator
#9
IMHO, you most certainly have not failed. There is no "pass" or "fail" in life (as controlling religions always tell us). There is only learning and experience. I would guess that you have certainly LEARNED a great deal from your dad, as I did. The important thing is what you DO with that learning. Do you simply shrug your shoulders and say something like, "it is what it is, just accept me as I am" (as my mom always used to do)? Or do you use that knowledge to help CHANGE YOURSELF into a better person than you might otherwise have been?

I had similar experiences with my dad. I went from a trusting, loving little boy, rushing to meet him when he came home from work to a frightened teenager, "walking on eggshells" and always waiting for an explosive reaction whenever I did any little thing incorrectly or wrong. As spiritually "wise" as he was about life, death, and the after-life (and for his sharing of which I'll always be grateful), he never seemed to be able to master his own emotions or improve his own life or family situations. I managed to see the difference between my own dysfunctional family and others--and somehow managed to create something far, FAR better for my own family.

As difficult as it was at the time, some 40 years later (and after raising a son of my own), I now realize he was simply doing the best he could. I also look at his upbringing and experiences and wonder how well (or not) I might have done if I had faced similar circumstances. I guess that's the old, "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins before judging them" idea. Even if one can't find forgiveness, sometimes it's enough to find gratitude. For without the experiences we've had, we wouldn't be the people we are today.

Where YOUR future is concerned, always remember that YOU are the master of your own journey. We've always been told (or at least I often was) that genetics and our upbringing determine our future and they're inescapable. I now call "BULLSHIT!" Even with those limitations have their limitations. WE ALWAYS HAVE CHOICE.

The fact that you're here and even considering other ideas shows me that you've learned--and are learning from these experiences. And to me, that's more than half the battle!

Keep at it, my friend. You're doing just fine!
 

GregH3000

Illusion Investigator
#10
Thanks for sharing your experiences; they do sound familiar, however, being the fifth child, I didn't get to see much of the "good" dad.

Unlike you, I chose not to raise a family out of fear of passing on my dad's shit to another generation, as I know he did from his father (who was probably worse). Yes we always have choices, but what choices you can actually SEE to choose from and which feel "doable" are greatly constrained by the perceptual filter of your experiences; I have read of cases where people actually drove themselves insane because it was the only choice left to them that made sense.

Taking a cue from dialectical behavioral therapy, I feel like radical acceptance is the only realistic option. I have a severe inferiority complex, and my financial limitations just reinforce this in this present-day reality of the dominance hierarchy. Turning 60 next year, so I probably won't ever be in a loving relationship with a woman, or make any new friends, and I will probably be playing it safe the rest of my life with my dull job and mundane, mediocre existence. But I would be grateful for this much if I could at least keep my wits about me and not become a ghost like my dad.
 
OP
OP
Gunther

Gunther

Aware Presence
#12
Hey Greg, I’d have to agree with young Stargazer on this one (I say young because he’s a mere pup compared to me, lol). You have most certainly not failed, there’s no such thing as failure on our spiritual journey. It may feel that way, and often does to me, but in those rare quiet moments, I know I’m heading in the right direction, no matter how bad things appear to be. And they were pretty bad sometimes.
From your posts, I see you are hurting very much. I’ve been there, know what that feels like. I’d never dream of suggesting what you should do, since I’m not qualified to do that, but I think you have made a great stride forward by speaking up here on this forum.

The active folks here are very compassionate. Please feel free to talk with me via a pm.
 
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Hailstones Melt

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Board Moderator
#13
Did GregH3000 notice he had posted at 11:11?
 

Hailstones Melt

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Board Moderator
#17

Lila

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Global Moderator
Board Moderator
#20
Not all experiences "sharpen" you. Sometimes they do the opposite.
Yes, but that always has the potential to change. And that's the magical part.
Once you step into a place where your perspective changes, everything looks different.
Sometimes this happens 'out of the blue'. Sometimes it's a gradual progression. Like others have said above, if you're working on it, it's all learning.
 

Lila

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Global Moderator
Board Moderator
#21
To answer the original question: Yup.
Learned lots from it.
Still learning from it.
Sometimes love the learning. Other times scream for a break. Sigh.
Love the 'broader perspective' best as it makes the most sense and is easiest on my soul, often giving me a laugh. Smile. Giggle.
 

CrystalSong

Experienced Traveler
#22
Sometimes though, I find personally, I have to go find things to do to keep my frequency really high so I can land 'the things that sharpen' in a way which is aligned with the Path. (Wish I'd known THAT many years ago!)
 

Hailstones Melt

Realized Sentience
Staff member
Board Moderator
#23

Stargazer

Realized Sentience
Retired Moderator
#24
Thanks, Lila and Pod. When I wrote the quote, I just meant that your life is like a carving. Each thing you do helps define the "work of art" that you are. Sometimes you might carve pieces off (make major changes), other times you might sand a few layers off to refine a texture (make very slight changes). But each action and decision helps form your own beautiful creation. I guess the analogy doesn't work for everyone...and that's OK too. :)
 

Lorna Wilson

Ancient Consciousness
Staff member
Global Moderator
Board Moderator
#25
Have you had a challenging parent in your life?
A clear indication that no matter how one thinks of themselves as 'volunteers' here on Earth, or 'lightworkers' with no 'issues' if the 'look to the light' and 'avoid negative things' they will discover that they still have things to work through to refine the 'mettle of the soul'. These are imprinted at the last stages pre- life by the womb experience.

My personal observation is that we are born into families to advance the genetic family line by breaking patterns and ending cycles. The only way to do this is to be attached to the same vibrational frequencies as these family patterns. Quantum physics demonstrates that when we change energy anywhere it will have a ripple effect.e.g ancestors and descendants benefit. The problem is that we often get caught in the web of entanglement, and forget that what we are experiencing are only 'stories' designed to limit consciousness. Allowing our hearts to be open is what will bring about the breakthroughs which can be challenging as dysfunction early in life often makes us protect our hearts and live in our heads, therefore not fully in our body. When we are ungrounded we cannot 'see' or make effective changes as we are not fully present in the now therefore lack the use of our full energy/available consciousness.
 

Linda

Sweetheart of the Rodeo
Staff member
Global Moderator
Administrator
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#26
My personal observation is that we are born into families to advance the genetic family line by breaking patterns and ending cycles.
I found this to be true in my family.


The only way to do this is to be attached to the same vibrational frequencies as these family patterns.
It is the same in teaching - you have to start where your students are and build on that.


Quantum physics demonstrates that when we change energy anywhere it will have a ripple effect.e.g ancestors and descendants benefit.
This is one of the loveliest ideas I've read in a while. Thanks for the insight.
 

CrystalSong

Experienced Traveler
#27
Quantum physics demonstrates that when we change energy anywhere it will have a ripple effect.e.g ancestors and descendants benefit. The problem is that we often get caught in the web of entanglement, and forget that what we are experiencing are only 'stories' designed to limit consciousness.
I just spent 2 days in a program doing just this. It's something called K.L.E.A.R. hosted by a lady out of Ashland OR, who works with Higher/other planes Beings. The work was powerful, I certainly saw some amazing stuff psychically while we did the work and feel some shifting inside as well. I love the idea that it clears programming out of our multi-dimensional selves, past life selves, ancestors and even soul family linages.
 

Stargazer

Realized Sentience
Retired Moderator
#28
I love the idea that it clears programming out of our multi-dimensional selves, past life selves, ancestors and even soul family linages.
Absolutely! As we heal ourselves, we also help heal the collective. Our energy has a direct effect on our environment and the ripples expand outward through All-That-Is. :)
 

GregH3000

Illusion Investigator
#30
Allowing our hearts to be open is what will bring about the breakthroughs which can be challenging as dysfunction early in life often makes us protect our hearts and live in our heads, therefore not fully in our body. When we are ungrounded we cannot 'see' or make effective changes as we are not fully present in the now therefore lack the use of our full energy/available consciousness.
This makes sense to me; I really do live in my head and often feel "frozen" out from feelings. I used to smoke cannabis occasionally which helped with this, but lately I haven't liked the experience and I always end up overeating and gaining weight anyway.

Here is an anecdote about trying to see the blessings in everything that happens to you, which I think most successful people have as a personality trait they've acquired over time. Recently my iPod's hard drive got toasted, and I was bummed out because I have a dull repetitive job, and it was my educational tool to "sharpen the saw" so to speak. However, in searching for an alternative, I finally discovered I could take this amazon fire tablet my brother had handed down to me months ago and I had done nothing with, hook it up with the wifi at my job, and listen to stuff directly off of youtube, instead of having to convert them to mp3 files as I used to do with the iPod.

I was listening to quite a few Wayne Dyer lectures/audiobooks off of youtube at work this week, after accidentally finding his reading of the Tao Te Ching, which I enjoyed very much in the midst of all this political craziness going on this past week, and he seems to think forgiveness plays a key role in getting grounded in the Now. He told a story about standing on his (highly dysfunctional) father's grave and forgiving him, and how his writing began to take off after that; he was working on Your Erogenous Zones book at the time. It kind of made me wonder if I should seek out my father's grave and try the same thing; I don't think it is very far from here.
 

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