Warning: Not a very pleasant reading. Long text. And this is not a “pity me”-thread. I just need some answers.
I’ve been thinking of this for quite a while. Years. And I bet I’m not alone.
When I was a child I had a lot of nightmares. Every other night I would say. But there might be reasons for it. As some of you already know I have a troubled past. At night I could often wake up because of my father was screaming and/or fighting with some dude from downstairs. Sometimes he was just delusional and crazy, talking to himself.
When my mother had her 40th birthday my stepbrother stabbed a guy right next to me with a kitchen knife and he almost lost his life. I was about 16 years old at this time. As I said in a thread before, this was a part of my everyday life. Nothing really unusual.
I remember a dream I had that was very real to me, I got this dream to me several years ago but could never understand was it was all about. I sometimes just get “flashes” of ugly stuff that happened in the past when I’m awake. Which often results in depression and a total lockdown of myself.
I often wake up, several times by night with bloody dreams. Not necessarily “nightmares” but just bad dreams, you know, war etc. That is very real. I always have to fight or run for my life in these dreams. As I wake up in the morning I’m always tired, exhausted from the night.. I’ve had sleeping problems for as long as I can remember. I will tell you about one of my dreams that I would be glad if anyone could interpret.
1.
I woke up inside of a wooden ship, it was broken and water was coming in. But it was stranded as well, like someone crashed this ship into a beach. I was dizzy and hurt, I began stumbling out onto the shallow beach and started looking around. The weather was beautiful, the water was blue. I looked to my right and saw a green, lush tropical forest. But I felt something was wrong.
I felt a need to check on my body, if I were hurt bad. As I look down at my chest I’m wearing a white old dirty shirt, like a “poet-shirt”. It was red and ripped, drained in my own blood. Although I didn’t feel any pain, I panicked and put my hands over my chest only to notice that I had several stabbing wounds, like a lot of them, all over my chest and stomach. I remember thinking “There is no way I will survive this, where do I go and what do I do?” in the same moment I started looking around again. I had the broken ship in my back, the blue lagoon ocean at my left and a tropical forest on the right of me. With no signs of civilization at all. I couldn’t decide where to go. I was standing there holding my stomach confused. But as I came to my senses I decided to run to the forest, hoping that someone might be there. In the same second I took the first step towards the forest I woke up and sweat was dripping from me.
Alrighty then, back to reality. Let me change the subject just a bit.
I have a hard time adjusting to my new reality. 23 years of drugs, alcohol and violence has left its marks, that’s a fact. I have big problems with my social life, at times. Not always. But at times I can’t talk to people, I can’t go outside my room because just the thought of crowded places and people scares the living s**t outta me. But when I have a good “flow” in my life there is no problem, just the opposite, I’m quite social of me. Talking to strangers etc, which is a big Nono at “low times”. You catch my drift?
I can’t live my life like this. It makes me very tired.. I should probably see a physiatrist but I don’t like the “western-thoughts” of this.. I need another perspective in this. I know if I search help they will just give me medicine and probably a diagnosis, and I don’t want any of it.
Feel free to ask questions. Anything. I’ll try my best to answer them
Love bbk
I’ve been thinking of this for quite a while. Years. And I bet I’m not alone.
When I was a child I had a lot of nightmares. Every other night I would say. But there might be reasons for it. As some of you already know I have a troubled past. At night I could often wake up because of my father was screaming and/or fighting with some dude from downstairs. Sometimes he was just delusional and crazy, talking to himself.
When my mother had her 40th birthday my stepbrother stabbed a guy right next to me with a kitchen knife and he almost lost his life. I was about 16 years old at this time. As I said in a thread before, this was a part of my everyday life. Nothing really unusual.
I remember a dream I had that was very real to me, I got this dream to me several years ago but could never understand was it was all about. I sometimes just get “flashes” of ugly stuff that happened in the past when I’m awake. Which often results in depression and a total lockdown of myself.
I often wake up, several times by night with bloody dreams. Not necessarily “nightmares” but just bad dreams, you know, war etc. That is very real. I always have to fight or run for my life in these dreams. As I wake up in the morning I’m always tired, exhausted from the night.. I’ve had sleeping problems for as long as I can remember. I will tell you about one of my dreams that I would be glad if anyone could interpret.
1.
I woke up inside of a wooden ship, it was broken and water was coming in. But it was stranded as well, like someone crashed this ship into a beach. I was dizzy and hurt, I began stumbling out onto the shallow beach and started looking around. The weather was beautiful, the water was blue. I looked to my right and saw a green, lush tropical forest. But I felt something was wrong.
I felt a need to check on my body, if I were hurt bad. As I look down at my chest I’m wearing a white old dirty shirt, like a “poet-shirt”. It was red and ripped, drained in my own blood. Although I didn’t feel any pain, I panicked and put my hands over my chest only to notice that I had several stabbing wounds, like a lot of them, all over my chest and stomach. I remember thinking “There is no way I will survive this, where do I go and what do I do?” in the same moment I started looking around again. I had the broken ship in my back, the blue lagoon ocean at my left and a tropical forest on the right of me. With no signs of civilization at all. I couldn’t decide where to go. I was standing there holding my stomach confused. But as I came to my senses I decided to run to the forest, hoping that someone might be there. In the same second I took the first step towards the forest I woke up and sweat was dripping from me.
Alrighty then, back to reality. Let me change the subject just a bit.
I have a hard time adjusting to my new reality. 23 years of drugs, alcohol and violence has left its marks, that’s a fact. I have big problems with my social life, at times. Not always. But at times I can’t talk to people, I can’t go outside my room because just the thought of crowded places and people scares the living s**t outta me. But when I have a good “flow” in my life there is no problem, just the opposite, I’m quite social of me. Talking to strangers etc, which is a big Nono at “low times”. You catch my drift?
I can’t live my life like this. It makes me very tired.. I should probably see a physiatrist but I don’t like the “western-thoughts” of this.. I need another perspective in this. I know if I search help they will just give me medicine and probably a diagnosis, and I don’t want any of it.
Feel free to ask questions. Anything. I’ll try my best to answer them
Love bbk